Thursday, May 2, 2013

What made me question, doubt and ultimately what got me kicked out.

This mother's day will be the one year anniversary of being Kicked out of Church. This is an account of what made me doubt, question and what ultimately got me kicked out.
My ex-pastor began to say things in his messages that just didn't add up. One day he took a verse about the Phoenician woman who begged Jesus to deliver her daughter from a demon and said that 'we were like dogs looking for crumbs and that he (the pastor) was like Jesus'. For some reason that didn't sit well with me so I confronted him. A visiting pastor came and started yelling at everyone. I was so mad that I went to the front pew and just sat there looking at him. I also spoke with the pastor about it and they told me just to submit.
From this point I just started to really read the bible because I was afraid. I recognize I was literally a 'christian' because I was terrified of death and of hell. And I had a respect for authority for no other reason than I never even thought to question it myself. When the above happened I got fed up. I mean how can a loving pastor call me a dog? His interpretation was that phoenician woman had an ego that needed to be confronted. For one thing, the churche wasn't phoenician, we were his sheep. I'm not a stranger, why treat me like one? Another thing, why should I put up with someone visiting who is yelling at the church? In questioning these things, I was confronted by them on the grounds of being rebellious. They said I have to love the man who came and was yelling at us. I said no, this isn't a question of love this would be putting up with abuse. They said 'remember to respect the authorities placed over you'. I said no, last I looked Jesus was the head of the church. Why are you treating me like this? This isn't love, this is wrong.
Then the pastor said 'Based on the fact that you didn't like what you heard and you are uncomfortable we think you MUST congregate elsewhere' And that hurt like hell. This was Mother's day of last year. I was trying to understand them, but I felt like I was compromising myself to a someone rather than to God. I went through a period of depression and loneliness that I don't wish upon anyone. But I knew that if I said anything to anyone in that church, they'd just call me a murmurer, a Jezebel. My mistake to move out here became apparent, because I didn't have any moral support. I'm grateful because through the process I learned to work with the finances I had and people did come to help...none of them from a church though. If anything those who actually attempted to talk to me about God were either #1 Trying to get between my legs #2 Trying to take advantage of someone who was vulnerable and emotionally compromised #3 Unwilling to give me the benefit of the doubt.

There is a point where you won't want to say anything to anyone. But that didn't stop me from continuing to read and ask more questions.

For awhile I thought 'god' kicked me out. But it occurred to me that if 'god' kicked me out why wasn't I dead? I also wondered, if I KNEW I was I was meant to move there, then why didn't god support me? And if I didn't know why didn't god prevent it?  So I fought with myself for awhile. I became depressed, angry, scared because I made a lot of life changes, and a huge move to get here. Time, money, I left my father, I brought my son with me. I overcame a lot just believing, and now it's just me and my son. I have to live with my decision. Right now my focus is to move to a place where at least I have some family and friends.  
I made a point to read everything in the Bible that I relied on for so long with a different perspective. I read it every day but not with the same naive eyes relying on the interpretations of an overseer. I read it without moral support and understanding because I realize that those people I called my church never really cared.

My father is an atheist and he never tried to influence me in any way, and he was very helpful with as little input in regards to religion. He even told me he was sad that I had left religion, because I was very happy in my faith... and I was. Ignorance was bliss. I would pray, I would fast, I believed, but I was wrong and completely delusional. I think I have never had an independent thought for most of my life. I never learned to think critically. I knew logic but I didn't know how to use it. I also knew I lived in fear because I grew up in a church that yells at you from the pulpit and calls you Satan and constantly pushes you to show you are committed to Christ like a jealous obsessive boyfriend. The more money you make, the more you are required to hand it over to an invisible vengeful angry god who made an overseer called a pastor to give you crap so you can stay in line because you are not capable of being moral. You are called a Sheep because you need to be led, so basically you are stupid.  I had to get rid of that if I was ever going to figure out if I really believed or not. I read Leaving the Fold by Marlene Winell, and the Denial of Death by Ernest Becker. I also read The God Delusion and have watched several youtube videos explaining to me in very patient detail that it has been 2000 years since the Common Error happened. The Common Error (Jesus) has not returned and those who honestly believe will always believe and feel offended if you don't believe. For three generations my family has been terrified of being left behind for the second coming. How many generations is it going to take until we realize that Christianity is crying wolf  for two millenia and that this story is bogus? . When you die, the worms eat you and you will decompose unless you manage to be embalmed like Eva Peron. 
I'm done with churches, there is no god. Man is afraid of death and his ego is such that he thinks he can get an alien deity to conquer it for him. If that were so, you'd think we'd stop dying. So why do we have to wait until we die, to be brought back to life again just so we end up being judged to what, DIE AGAIN? 
Or what? That our ego's are so inflated we have the audacity to think that a 'god will come and give us a new earth to live in' after we mess up this one? Why does god make it difficult to find him, when we are lost anyway? And why in being lost does the Christian Bible tell you to die on earth, so you can die for real, but you won't know for sure if you will die again after you are resurrected and judged? That's three times you die! Unless you achieve favor and go to heaven for ever, but you don't know if your family will be there. And so we watch our family die, and the god of love wipes your tears away? What kind of sick fascination of the fear of death we have been taught to believe, right?! 
I took a good look at the world around me and had a reality check. I realized, there are billions of people out there, I am not alone. But I don't need a deity to show me who I am, give me a purpose or lead me anywhere. I have me. 
I'm stuck in Maryland. I'm on my own. When I leave what I will take with me is that I grew up and out of this baloney. I have to deal with the consequences of my actions here...on Earth. I am not going to worry anymore about a god who is going to judge me or come to get me, because when it would have mattered the same people who should have been there for me...kicked me out, shunned me, and haven't talked to me since. So why would their 'god' give a SHIT what I think? 
There is much more to this than what I am telling you, but this is all fact. This is my pain, but moving forward I am making a new life. Because in my pain, I gave birth to 'reason' and 'coherency'. I learned to have faith in people by violent separation from my religion. 

1 comment:

  1. Dear Gabgirl,
    It saddened me to read what you went through here. It wasn't right, and I just wish more people had been there to love on you when you needed it the most.
    Take care,