There is a point where you won't want to say anything to anyone. But that didn't stop me from continuing to read and ask more questions.
For awhile I thought 'god' kicked me out. But it occurred to me that if 'god' kicked me out why wasn't I dead? I also wondered, if I KNEW I was I was meant to move there, then why didn't god support me? And if I didn't know why didn't god prevent it? So I fought with myself for awhile. I became depressed, angry, scared because I made a lot of life changes, and a huge move to get here. Time, money, I left my father, I brought my son with me. I overcame a lot just believing, and now it's just me and my son. I have to live with my decision. Right now my focus is to move to a place where at least I have some family and friends.
My father is an atheist and he never tried to influence me in any way, and he was very helpful with as little input in regards to religion. He even told me he was sad that I had left religion, because I was very happy in my faith... and I was. Ignorance was bliss. I would pray, I would fast, I believed, but I was wrong and completely delusional. I think I have never had an independent thought for most of my life. I never learned to think critically. I knew logic but I didn't know how to use it. I also knew I lived in fear because I grew up in a church that yells at you from the pulpit and calls you Satan and constantly pushes you to show you are committed to Christ like a jealous obsessive boyfriend. The more money you make, the more you are required to hand it over to an invisible vengeful angry god who made an overseer called a pastor to give you crap so you can stay in line because you are not capable of being moral. You are called a Sheep because you need to be led, so basically you are stupid. I had to get rid of that if I was ever going to figure out if I really believed or not. I read Leaving the Fold by Marlene Winell, and the Denial of Death by Ernest Becker. I also read The God Delusion and have watched several youtube videos explaining to me in very patient detail that it has been 2000 years since the Common Error happened. The Common Error (Jesus) has not returned and those who honestly believe will always believe and feel offended if you don't believe. For three generations my family has been terrified of being left behind for the second coming. How many generations is it going to take until we realize that Christianity is crying wolf for two millenia and that this story is bogus? . When you die, the worms eat you and you will decompose unless you manage to be embalmed like Eva Peron.