Monday, October 22, 2012

Hello World.

Hello World.

In the computer realm Hello World program that outputs the most basic syntax of a programming language or to verify if a language or system is operating correctly.

It's been five months since I was kicked out of church. And lately even after a woman spoke to me about what God would do, I'm still having trouble dealing with it. I can't just go anywhere. Being in this church was like being in a marriage where the other party has left you, but you don't want to give up.

Something terrible happened to me on Saturday. This guy from church transferred a car over to me but wanted me to lie to the DMV. He also condemned me for a great many things. This is what you call a hypocrite. I just sat there and didn't say much, because I really needed the car. But after all was said and done I gave him a piece of my mind. He said, 'You aren't healed and you need a lot of fasting an prayer.' I told him 'No one will dictate to me the relationship that I should have with God'.

And I meant it....Then I started to think about what I said. And how so many churches assume the role of 'primary caregiver' when it comes to a persons spirituality and connection to God. They treat you like you are a baby, because that is what the Word tells them. They say they rely on the Holy Spirit and on Jesus but they bully you with the Word of God. And when I meditate on the verse of being given spiritual milk, its not about treating another human being like they are a child! It's giving them some 'basic' food until they grow a little more. It's really about feeding the sheep, not managing it.

So just like Hello World program is used to out put the most basic syntax and verify if a language system is operating correctly, I'm also going to examine the basics of faith. Why does it work? Why didn't it work for me? What can I do to prevent this from happening again? It's hard because much of my spiritual identity came from one church that believed that their DNA was a perfect match to that of the Father.

Something wonderful however happened to me on Sunday. I met a guy who claimed he died and God resurrected him when he was 15. And he asked me to keep believing in God even if I don't go to church. He made me cry and for a minute, I felt so good. ....I really liked him as a person. And his life story impressed me so much and I felt like it was what I needed. But it was a lie.

That 'wonderful' thing that I thought existed...was a dream. He wanted to take advantage of me. He was a man and he wasn't sent by a God. I was still struggling with that part of me that remains vulnerable and subjective. Not anymore.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

No fear, no shame and no going back.

Being a new atheist, I wouldn't attempt to 'convert' anyone. I had enough of that as a theist. I'm a passive Atheist. I'm in agreement with something I read on 
Being an atheist isn't a choice or an act of will.  It's a consequence of what one knows and how one reasons.
I didn't 'convert' to atheism. No one influenced me into disbelief. I just stopped accepting the data that was being given to me by religion. This happened when after I began to question what I was being fed by religion, I was subsequently kicked out of church. I went through a difficult period. I became depressed and no one called or came to visit. My blood pressure remained a steady 160/90 for several weeks. Strangers helped as did some in my family through this difficult process of separation.

I moved out here to be near the ministry, but it was apparent the 'ministry' didn't want me, so I deduced that if God existed, then he doesn't want me either. But then it hit me...why take it personal? It's like getting kicked out of a bar. When someone kicks you out, you can always find another one. But I didn't like bars anyway (just kidding, I actually went to an Atheist Meet-up in a nice Irish bar. I hadn't visited one in years!). In this case, I think I was done with organized religion a long time ago. I just couldn't get over being afraid.    
I can't pinpoint the exact moment like most theists do regarding their 'conversion' because it means nothing to me. All I know is I'm never going back. 
I have had people tell me 'dont turn your back on God'. But then again, this is my reasoning. Why would God even care? Frankly I think people care (or are afraid) more about the fact that I'm no longer afraid of hell because of their 'certainty' that a hell for me would exist.
I don't have a problem with 'God' at all. He's not in the equation. He isn't present to pose a proper defense, so why listen to people? Their intention is to manipulate in order to provoke a fearful response to being 'sent to Hell'. And I'm not going to wait until after I 'die' if when I 'lived' I was unhappy and tortured by theism. That in itself 'is' a living hell. Good grief. I might as well live one day at a time with the expectancy that what I can leave is legacy to my children, without the involvement of religion. Life goes on, even when we are 'not'. That is acceptable.

Monday, June 25, 2012

I just want to tell my family that I love you, and that I'm an Atheist. It has not been easy for me to come to this decision. I know most of you are very religious. I have been unhappy, depressed and without moral support since I was kicked out of church. I will not return. Do not preach to me. Do not tell me you will pray for me. I don't want to know. I will not be intimidated nor be afraid of hell or punishment. I will stand firm against anyone who abuses, intimidates and encourages others to either to shun, publicly reject or condemn another human being to hell or say they have an 'evil' spirit. I have reached my level of tolerance with those who call themselves 'children of God' and I will not be afraid to talk about it. I will fight back!

Only those who have been through it will understand. The rest will cover their eyes & ears and not give me the benefit of the doubt. I know the church I was in will consider me their opposition. If you are no longer in an Apostolic Prophetic Church you are expected to either come back on your knees or die. It is a subtle threat they give you through their sermons. And if you leave the church, you are always the problem. They kicked me out though so I'm not sure how this rule would apply unless I were to become extremely paranoid about everything. I am not, but I know how they think and how their teachings create a controlled atmosphere where critical thinking (or asking questions) is not accepted.